R3AS91’s DIARY: DAY TWELVE
What a great day, I thought as I made my way back through Orgrimmar to the guild HQ. First I’d been summoned by that blasted gnome who was in a complete panic mode. The “other” Evida had disappeared apparently, and he knew already that it was nothing to do with me. First there was an enigmatic postcard that said;
I knew the gnome wouldn’t like it and he didn’t. He was in full petulant mode. “She can stay there and rot until I say different,” he ranted. “She can’t get back without me and my machine. She’ll be begging for help in no time.”
“You don’t think she’d make her way back into WoW by herself do you?”
“Of course not. It’s impossible without the machine. Even someone who was not a brain-dead bimbo would find it difficult. Evida won’t be able to do it. She’ll come begging to me soon and then she’ll be in my power.”
“Like she’s been in your power all these months?”
“Um, yes, but more so. And she’ll know it. I might never let her back into WoW. I might put her into Hello Kitty Island Adventure. That would teach her a lesson.”
Yes, all in all things were looking up. All I had to do was keep him angry with her, and the Punished guild, its officers and leader would be all mine. I was thrilled she’d made such a tactical error.
I whirred quietly to myself all the way back from our meeting place in Mulgore, and even treated myself to an ice cream before I remembered that it melts and jams my gears. Still, I wasn’t going to let that spoil this wonderful day mode.
“Hiya,” I said as I walked into the guild HQ. Instead of a spoken response there was silence. “Guys?”
“She doesn’t look anything like me,” said a person who looked uncomfortably like the real Evida. Behind me, a gibbering monkey had appeared.
“Now I see you both together……” began Nightbelf. A red and black spider seemed to be trying to weave me into a cocoon. I moved a few paces further in, but it just followed me.
“She doesn’t even look human, let alone Blood elven,” said the real-Evida. A bright pink plainstrider pulled a beakful of hair away from my head, exposing the metal beneath.
“See,” said Sooze, walking in. “I said she was a robot. Sorry, that should be, a robot in deep, deep trouble.”
The rest of the raid team trooped in behind her with expressions that varied from cross mode to vengeful fury mode. At the back came a very annoyed-looking Forst. For one glorious moment I thought he was angry on my behalf. And they did look smart in their shiny armour.
“It was you,” he hissed, pointing his finger at me in a somewhat menacing way.” You made us into laughing stocks. I have raided since the day I was created, and never, never, NEVER before has a boss …..” His voice trailed away into sobs.
“We aggroed all the bosses just by entering the raid,” said Lolzator. “And they were laughing at us.”
“Apparently our super-shiny armour and weapons made us visible to them as soon as we began invites,” said Sooze.
I went straight into counter-attack mode. “You’ve got your armour covered in blood! I spent hours polishing and polishing it, and I get no thanks at all.”
“You sabotaged us,” said Forst. “Made us a laughing stock. I’m not even going to tell you what Deathwing said. It was…..”
“Embarrassing,” said Sooze. “But I’m more interested in the fact that you’ve been pretending to be Evida, playing on our warm feelings toward a much-loved friend and ally…”
“Don’t get carried away here,” muttered Lolzator.
“I wouldn’t say much-loved,” said Forst. “More tolerated.”
“With gritted teeth,” Evida added helpfully.
“Wha?” asked Forst.
“You always used to grit your teeth when you were tolerating me,” said the real Evida in full annoying mode. “That’s how I knew you were doing it. Your voice went funny and the words were harder to understand, so I usually stopped trying.” I saw the look of bafflement on his face and my heart soared. I had missed this so much. “When you were barely tolerating me, you used to grind your teeth and let out the odd whimper. Yes, like that, though sometimes the whimpers were even odder.”
“Well, she definitely is the real Evi, said Nightbelf.
“I knew it was too good to be true,” muttered Forst.
It was with a heavy rotor-blade powered pump that I left there, and made my way to the Witness Protection Machine. If I couldn’t be Evida here in Draenor, perhaps I could be Evida in Skyrim or similar. “Farewell, cruel world (of warcraft)” I shouted in desolate mode. My one consoling thought was that the gnome would think Evida was me, right up to the moment he tried to cut her little red wire.