R3AS91’s DIARY: DAY TEN continued

“Really?” he ranted. “So you didn’t reset the co-ordinates of the Witness Protection Programme Scheme machine?”
I laughed. “Really? Why would I do that? If I had something to do with it, I’d have just brought her straight back so that I didn’t have to do this dreadful cover thing.”
“I made you, R3AS91,” he said. “Do you really think I can’t tell when you’re lying? There’s a little light on the back of your head. All I need to do to shut you down is cut the red wire. Remember that.”
“It was an accident,” I claimed. “I was trying for Pandaland. That main spring in the manifold that’s about to break must have caused it. Besides, I hear Skyrim is….. bracing at this time of year, and it’s so like Northrend she’ll love it.”
"The little light came on again,” Cuddlyheehee said. “And she doesn’t love it. I promised her somewhere nice.”

“Can’t you operate the machine yourself? You made it, not me.”
 “Ok, red wire cutting time.”
To cut a long story short (but not the red wire, never touch the red wire) I had to go back to his squalid little island hideaway shack and adjust the controls again. Which I did, and then while she was in transit, and he wasn’t looking, I adjusted them again. I had no idea where she’d show up. She might stay in limbo forever. I don’t care. I like being a person, even if that person is Evida.
I went and asked Lolzator if he had any jobs for me and he blinked slowly. “Are you alright Evi?” he asked. “You’re acting strangely. You never used to volunteer for anything before.”

“I have seen the error of my ways,” I said. “I wish to be a fully functioning, highly efficient, cog in the great punished machine.”
“Sooze!!” yelled Lolzator. “Quick, I think Evi’s having a funny turn.”
“How about I clean your armour till it shines?” I asked.           

By now Sooze had arrived on the scene. “Probably better if you heal her when she’s finished polishing my armour,” said Lolzator.
“Ok,” said Sooze.  “She can do mine too.”
I sat happily in the guild barracks, polishing the armour of everyone who’d let me. Imagine my dismay when I found it was impossible to polish cloth armour.
Then Forst arrived. “Why are you polishing other peoples’ gear  Evi?” he asked, dumping a big pile of armour in front of me.
“I wish only to be useful,” I told him. “A healthy guild is like a machine, and I strive to be an efficient part of that.” I batted my eyelashes at him and heard them squeak…. they needed oiling again. I entered dreadfully embarrassed mode, but Forst didn’t seem to notice.
“Oh ok,” he said. “I’ve got more on my alts I can bring you.” But as he walked away I heard him say, “Sooze, Evi’s flipped.”
“Yes, but she’s done a really good job of cleaning this armour. Had I better heal her?”
 “No, wait till she’s finished mine.”
 "Are you ok, Evi?” asked Nightbelf as he collected his armour and weapons from the pile of shiny, polished gear.
 “Yes,” I said. “Being of service is my highest ambition.” I cursed myself quietly for sounding like a vending machine.
“Oh good. It’s just that you were whirring,” he said. Damn. I’d have to watch that.

One by one the guild officers and members, their mounts, pets and companion pets all drifted away to enter sleep mode, and I sat on, happily cleaning their armour. I paused a moment to activate smile mode; my plan was working. I allowed myself a little chuckle. “Mwahahaha-whirrrrrr- haaaa” I cackled quietly, entering evil mode for a moment. Soon they’d all be so dependent on me that even if the real Evida showed up to denounce me as a fake, they’d want to keep me instead of her. More likely she wouldn’t be back at all. If I had anything to do with it. And  I did.

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